WEEK 9 PICKS!
ESPN, because they believe all their viewers to be complete morons, has been declaring this season to be THE YEAR OF THE QUARTERBACK (or maybe it was last season- when Stuart Scott starts talking, I have this habit of stabbing myself repeatedly, and it makes the years kind of blur together).
They make this declaration in a very ESPN way, as though we are supposed to sit up and go “MY GOD THEY’RE RIGHT! I’ve wasted my life thinking it was the year of the Punter all this time!!”
ESPN was only half right- it’s the year of the BAD Quarterback. Like the rest of society, there’s a shrinking middle class with QB play, and it’s a small number of haves, and a whoooole bunch of have-nots. As fun as it is to watch Brady or Brees methodic ally destroy a defense, it’s almost MORE fun to watch a Whitehurst, Painter, or Tebow and wonder what is going to happen next. Guys like Carson Palmer are so horrific, they could defecate at midfield in the middle of a play, and I wouldn’t be surprised in the least. It’s the Golden Age of mediocrity.
On to the picks! Picks are in CAPS.
ATLANTA (-7) at Indy
Let’s get one thing straight- there’s no way the Colts draft Andrew Luck once they go 1-15. Peyton Manning won’t allow it. He had neck surgery this year, by all accounts can hardly move around, and they’re wasting a roster spot by NOT putting him on IR. HE runs things over there, and he’d have this Luck kid killed before showing him the offense.
TAMPA BAY (+8) at New Orleans
Well, I was right about one thing with the Saints last week- the game WAS “Newt Gingrich having sex” ugly. You lose to the Rams, you shouldn’t be favored by 8 over ANYONE. Aside from the Colts.
CLEVELAND (+11) at Houston
When’s the last time you thought about Houston as a football team? They’re just kind of… there. The John Huntsman of the NFL.
NY Jets at BUFFALO (-1.5)
Ryan Fitzpatrick being labeled as an underdog because he went to Harvard is hilarious. “Even though he went to Harvard, he’s still a good player!!” Since when should having an Ivy League education and being intelligent become a sign of weakness? (Outside of the race for the GOP nomination, I mean)
Miami at KANSAS CITY (-4)
The Dolphins are so incompetent as an organization, they’ll end up winning a few games and screwing themselves out of drafting Andrew Luck. When you’re so bad that you’re bad at being bad, that’s bad, Jaws.
SAN FRANCISCO (-3.5) at Washington
We live in a world where Herman Cain can not know that China has Nuclear Weapons, but be taken seriously as a Presidential candidate, and where I’m taking Alex Smith giving points on the road without thinking twice. WE ARE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS HERE, PEOPLE.
Seattle at DALLAS (-11.5)
This is more of a commentary on Seattle’s ineptitude than any sort of confidence in Dallas. Clipboard Jesus (Charlie Whitehurst) on the road does not make me feel good.
Denver at OAKLAND (-8)
The Raiders are so confident they can beat Tim Tebow, they’re sitting Darren McFadden, even though he could probably play. TEBOW-MANIA, everyone! I’m really enjoying the Tebow era. Over/Under for total Pick 6’s in this game (both teams combined) is 2.5.
CINCINATI (+3) at Tennessee
Ok fine. I’m all in on Andy Dalton. When is the last time we had a red haired QB that was a success? Has it ever happened? This needs to be the next ESPN “30 for 30”. “What if I told you, that gingers might have no souls, but had incredible pocket awareness…”
ST. LOUIS (+3) at Arizona
Here’s one of the games I’m talking about with the opening paragraph. Sam Bradford was decent last year, now he seems like Scott Secules with a head injury. Kevin Kolb probably won’t play for the Cards, and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Also, I had to look up that John Skleton is the Cards back up QB. The NFC West, everyone!!
NY GIANTS (+8) at New England
I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that I have seen High School Defenses that are 1000 times better than the Pats this year. The Pats shouldn’t be favored by 8 over any team with that abortion of a secondary.
GREEN BAY (-5.5) at San Diego
Phil Rivers year has been much like Rick Perry’s: super high expectations, and complete denial about how bad it’s really been. All Rivers needs after this game is Kevin Smith and Karen Testerman holding a hastily assembled press conference denying he was drunk and/or on hillbilly heroin after he throws 4 picks against Green Bay this weekend for the circle to be complete.
PITTSBURGH (-3) at Baltimore
Both of these teams have looked like crap, and world beaters at different times during the season. I have no idea what will happen after this one, aside from the female employees of the hotel Pittsbrugh stays in being VERY careful when they see Big Ben in the hallways.
CHICAGO (+8) at Philadelphia
If there’s one thing we know about Andy Reid coached teams, it’s that he looks like a genius after a bye week, and his teams will manage to gack away at least one nationally televised game that they absolutely SHOULD win. I’m betting this is the one.
Enjoy the games!
Last Week: 6-7